Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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