Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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