i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
