I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
