Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
