Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In other news, I just burned my penis
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
