My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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