so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he puts the penis in happiness.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
