You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
