i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
