u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
