I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Of course I have a pirate flag
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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