if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
