Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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