Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
