we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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