all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
