I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
