im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
