My balls are so social today.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
