He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
