i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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