he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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