shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
