you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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