The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
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Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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