We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
