your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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