You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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