My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
