the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
