I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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