This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
