I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
