NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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