Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
