Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
