Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Boobs speak an international language.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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