She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
