I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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