I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
