Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
