Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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