none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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