god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
