when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Let's get the cat blown out
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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