I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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