And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
