at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
