I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Let's get the cat blown out
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
