I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
