Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
