i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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