I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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