I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I did not marry a roomba.
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