Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
