I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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