Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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